Reflection

It has been a long time since I have updated. There have been several things that have happened since my last post, and I was not fully ready to talk about it all. I have been doing a lot of reflecting on life lately. Sometimes that can be a rough thing for me to do. I have been struggling lately in both relationships with others, and my relationship with God, and my relationship with myself. I have allowed other people to dictate who I am and what I should be.
   
It amazes me how I could allow other people to tell me who to be or who not to be. I have become so unhappy with myself that I was having a hard time living with myself. I let a once upon a time best friend tell me how horrible I am. Tell me that I will never be with anyone, I am a horrible friend and person, she doesn't know how I make it as a teacher, among other really horrible things. I was very hard on myself. I spent a lot of time crying and pondering on things that in my heart knew were not true, but allowed someone else to infiltrate my mind and set me off course. 

It has taken me a long time to become happy with who I am. I am still not 100% sure of myself, but I am refusing to allow people to tell me who to become and who to be. I have taken steps to take back my life. Working out, eating better, and surrounding myself with people who uplift and encourage me. I have not been happy in my own body for several years now and have decided that I am the only one that can change that. 

On another note, teaching has brought out the best and worst in me. I love my job and love what I do. The kids that I work with. I have been placed in a position where I have had to step outside my comfort zone and constantly challenge myself. Teaching has brought out the worst in me including my OCD and anxiety (HAHA) there is simply not enough time in the day. There are days that I sit and wonder if I made the right decision to become a teacher. I feel like I do not do everything right and how can I keep going. At times I feel like I am drowning. Then I have that one moment with a student where you get a hug because they figured something out, or they get excited because they pass a test. I am so proud of my students and who they are and am excited to see the people they become. 

This year has already given me a run for my money. My focus is on bettering my relationship with God, bettering my relationship with friends and family, and bettering my relationship with myself. I am very happy to have the people that God has placed in my life that have helped hold me accountable and have kept my head above water!

The new teacher blog...

So I had every intention on updating my blog every week of teaching....yeah not so much. I am a new sort of tired and between trying to figure stuff out and actually doing stuff I just don't have the energy. HA! All in all my first year hasn't been terrible. I love my job and I love what I do. I work with some awesome teachers and they help make the days more bearable. I think I am finally finding my rhythm and for that I am very thankful! Hey, it only took me 9 weeks. I am learning a lot about myself and learning limits I didn't know I had. I had to learn to let some things go, I've had to learn to time manage better, and I've had to make things work when situations are not ideal. I've made it through 9 weeks, two ARD meetings, a walk through, and my formal evaluation. I'm still alive so I guess that means I will survive. There are so many things I am wanting to learn and have to realize that it will take time to learn those things, but people who know me know that I want to do things perfect from the start. The best part about teaching is when you see progress and when you see those "Ah-Hah" moments. I love those and they never get old. I love watching my students grow academically, but more so as people.  I get the privilege of teaching some of the most caring and amazing kids and they make my day better. Most of the time anyway (they have their kid moments) I still have days when I second guess myself and feel like there is no way I can keep going. Then you have those people who pick you up and keep you going in the right direction! I am very thankful for those ladies!!!

The ending of one chapter and the beginning of another!

Today was a rather bittersweet day. Today I said goodbye to my "home" of the past three years. I have made some unbelievable friends and I've gotten to meet some awesome people. I got my job at CTI at a time when things were pretty rough for me, but a dear friend took a chance on me and I have been there ever since. Ever since I started at Texas Tech I have worked 2 full time jobs as well as took a full load in school. It was rough to say the least, but today as I say goodbye I can say "I did it!!!!!" And yes it was totally worth it. So as I close on this chapter of life Monday brings about a new one. I am very excited (and terrified) to begin my career as an educator but God has been ever so generous to me this far and I know with Him all things will continue to be possible. Again, thank you Lena and CTI! 

Last day at work with my partner in crime!

Yummy yummy farewell cake!

Some of the best bosses!

Thank you friend for everything love you!!

Summer 2015....CSW and all that fun stuff

This past week was by far one of the most fun weeks I have had. It was nice to get out of Lubbock and get away, even if it was for a workshop. I had the greatest company on this trip. Michael, Desiree, and Ashley were so fun to travel with. There was never a dull moment that is for sure. I had some pretty severe blonde moments on this trip, and those three had to suffer through that. This trip was filled with so many memorable moments and the use of the hashtag had become our go to for anything that happened. #2015CSW

Pre-departure selfie (always a must)

Reunited!! Me, Katie, Desiree 

LISD at CSW  
For anyone that knows me knows that I have a love for ASL and I love for what I do; so this trip was so much fun for me. I got to work on my receptive and expressive signing skills which I might add were in some desperate need for some improvement.

So much love for this place!  
This trip was filled with many fun filled moments. Sunday was filled with a long long drive and a test that measured my receptive skills. Talk about a wake up call. Then we did Deaf Deaf World. I loved it! It gave me a chance to see things from the Deaf perspective and interact with teachers, parents with deaf children, SLPs, interpreters, and of course the Deaf individuals that were there. Talk about full immersion in a culture. Not being able to talk and only sign, going through classes that were only taught in ASL, and really getting to improve on my ASL skills. Oh how I have missed full ASL!!!!

The Jaguars!
On Monday I met my fabulous group. I could not have been placed in a better group. We all were around the same skill level both receptive and expressively, that made classes go so smooth. Let me tell you you absolutely do not leave CSW hungry that is for sure. Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner....SO MUCH FOOD!!! It was super yummy. Monday night we decided to go out to what was only supposed to be a trip to Target.... but you know with a car full of girls what do you think is going to happen. We of course wanted ice cream!! So we went to Amy's, talk about AMAZING ice cream! We still were not quite ready so we decided to scope out the State Capitol building. Oh did we have fun and share in some laughs there #IUD.

 No regrets here!

Amy's ice cream!

Best ice cream ever!!!

More yummy food!
On Tuesday we went through the same routine... food, class, food, class.... and that night we played games.... that was so fun #rockpaperscissors we then decided to go out and walk around lets just say I need to pay more attention to conversations #fatandfluffy #xanexanddrinksdontmix #hippoonalightpole

Beautiful

Wednesday was great because we didn't have evening sessions so we went back to the Capitol to look around inside. It was a lot of fun we went down to try to catch our congressman in his office but he wasn't in. I am so surprised at how much there is to look at inside the Capitol. After that, we went to Congress Bridge to watch the bats fly out. The bats must have ordered take out because they did not feel like flying out from under the bridge that night. Disappointed! (just so you know bats do not travel in herds, they don't have beaks, and they don't have stampedes.) #herdofbats #beakedbats #waitingforthestampede

Waiting for the bats

Still no bats

Texas State Capitol 

Thursday was our last day. On a side note when given a list that suggests things to bring and a jacket is one of them do not assume that because it is going to be a sauna outside that you do not need one. I am pretty sure that I froze more that I was hot while in Austin in the middle of the summer. There was some hilarious comedy that went on! I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe... #weddingnight #weirdtruckstopballoons

We left town around 12:45pm and decided to go have a little fun in Fredricksburg. We were supposed to leave earlier, but well like the rest of the week the girls were late.... Fredricksburg was so much fun and yes I tried a million types of fudge, and yes I brought a lot home. I was sad for everything to come to an end (except the car ride that could have ended sooner) I was so happy to be home and in my own bed! I had such a wonderful time and I can not wait to go back next year! 

Fredricksburg 

The After Grad School Life and All the Things Since

It's been a while, but the craziness of life has taken its toll. Since graduating I've realized many things about myself, my friends, and those who well...are no longer in that category.

First, I have realized that it's kinda nice to not be in school and doing homework. I have been doing it for so long it almost seemed like the norm. I have also realized that road blocks and bumps in the road are still just as annoying as before yet somehow it's true what they say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I have been learning more that relying on God and not myself is way more effective and the amount of worry that comes with that is way less. 

Many things have happened this semester that have tested me to my limits and have really shown me that not everyone is meant to be your friend. I've always been a people pleaser and I always want to be on people's good side. I have learned that sometimes people are just mean and they will do anything they can for their benefit regardless of how it destroys others reputation, careers, and life. I've had to learn that I can't fix everything and that I need to let go and let God.

Throughout this year I have made the most amazing friends that have shown me what a friendship can be like and hey, who knew they could teach me things that as hard of lessons they were that everything will be ok?

I've been extremely blessed to get to work with a group of teachers and interpreters that are some of the best. I mean their passion and drive is so amazing and I have learned so much from them.

So I guess it's as good of time as any to say that I will officially start teaching in the fall at Smylie Wilson middle school. People always ask me how I feel about this and I have come to the conclusion that as scared and terrified as I am there is a reason for me being placed here and I will do my best to do what's best for my kids, and hey I've learned from the BEST!

I've learned this semester that work isn't everything that God is and if I put my faith in him everything else just works itself out. I had to constantly be reminded of that a lot, but I know that I'm stronger because of this semester!

So my shout out to these lovely ladies! LB! You have been the best mentor. You have taught me things that I could have never learned from a text book. You have become one of my good friends and I am so incredibly thankful for you. I am still trying to figure out how you put up with all of the tears... But you are truly one of a kind and I'm so thankful for you!

My Ramirez! Yeah words can't even express how much she has done for me and taught me. She was always my voice of reason and the no sugar coating it one. To say I wouldn't have made it through this semester without her is soooo true! The fun we had together was crazy and there never was a dull moment for sure! Who else could I really sing Kitty High five with? (youtube it...it was our favorite thing to do during a brain break in class.)

Sylvia! I miss our morning chats and laughs! I was always ready for the day after our morning laughing sessions!! I will miss that the most!! Chi Chi always kept it real!!!

And my Trusty! You have been my venting buddy for the longest time and I am glad that this next year I have you!! Because you may be my source of sanity haha!!! Love me some trusty!!!

This year has been a year of growth and change for me but I love all that I have learned and the people I got to meet and work with! I am excited to finally spread my wings and see what adventure lies before me.

More to come this summer as life has slowed down a lot!!

The sometimes sad reality of life and the struggles that come with it

Sometimes in life we are dealt a hand that we don't expect or know how to play. We are faced with unforeseen challenges and road blocks that throw a kink in what was a promising and smooth road. Satan is a tricky thing he tries to make us second guess ourselves or make us believe that there is something wrong with us and throws us circumstances that make us start believing that. These past few weeks have been emotional and trying. I've stood up and faced the harshness of words, the betrayal of friends, stares, and comments. I have fought through the bad and thought that I was on the uphill side and that my sunshine was coming through again. Then there is the punch in the stomach that causes you to backslide. These past few weeks I have cried so much, doubted myself and my abilities, and caused me to become depressed and very down. I don't fully understand the lesson to be learned or the outcome that has transpired but the more I sit here the more I think maybe I am missing something or maybe I have not been faithful enough. Apparently these past few weeks I have disappointed people and lost from friends and I can't change those things. What I am going to start changing is myself. I'm no longer going to look out for other people and neglect myself. I refuse to be treated like less of a person or expendable because at the end of the day I know I have done things the right way, and have been handed a pretty harsh sentence. So starting right now I'm taking back myself. I'm taking back my confidence and my determination and no one is going to tear me down anymore. I'm done!

Student Teaching, Hopes, and Dreams for the Future

I can't believe that in a little over a week I will finally be graduating from college with my FINAL degree. It is hard to believe that I have been in school for 8 1/2 years (yes, I know it is a long time). I have had a roller coaster ride through college to say the least. I have had my good times and my bad. I have tried to remain positive, yet at times it seemed near impossible. I have struggled to find my place and fit in. 
I feel in a sense I am in my in between phase of life. I am not really college age anymore and struggle to fit in with that group. I am not married or have children so I don't fit in with that group either. So going through school was a little harder for me and I have lost sight of who I am. 
I also am having mixed feelings about graduating. I am excited beyond belief and am proud of what I have accomplished, but at the same time I am terrified. I question and over analyze myself daily. Am I going to be a good teacher? Will I make it? What if I can't find a teaching job?  etc. Again I say it is a constant internal struggle. 
I can say without a doubt that I have had one of the best support systems anyone could ask for. I have had people by my side who have really helped shape me into the person that I am today. 
As a teacher I honestly owe my knowledge to two people: Jacque and Lisa. Both of them have shown me the true meaning of the word Teacher, they have shown me how to be an effective teacher, and most importantly they have shown me how to have a passion for teaching. I have can honestly say that I would not change a thing from my student teaching and internship experiences. 
I have learned so much and consider it such a blessing to have had the privilege to work with Lisa and Jacque. I know that God had a purpose for putting me with these ladies, and am so happy to have gained two great role models and friends. Not to mention the several other friendships I have made along the way. I also have been so blessed by the school that I am in now. I got placed in such a loving, fun, Christian classroom. Trusty, Lisa, Pam, Brenda, Sarah you have no idea the impact you have made on my life and I will never be able to repay you for the learning experiences you have provided. What an incredible experience this has been!! You ladies are one of a kind and I will never ever forget you! If I am half the teacher that these ladies are I will consider myself to be so so blessed.

As my student teaching comes to a close and graduation is 10 days away I have realized that for the first time in a long time I kinda feel lost. I fear the unknown and the stepping out of a routine and not knowing what will happen next. I am so unbelievably sad to be leaving these kids and the school that I am at, and I literally cry just thinking about it. I don't know what I will do with myself after next week.